Inky-Pinky-Ponky … father IS a donkey!

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For those who are not following news or have lost interest or have been left confused by conflicting news on concurrent days, this is basically same as saying “We are not stupid…we are really that stupid.”

So US has decided against the ground attacks in places of conflicts like Iraq, Syria etc. Instead it’ll help train the locals, who will carry on from there on against organizations like IS etc. The bill has been passed by senate with astounding majority as it saves US lives and a huge budget has also been sanctioned to see it being implemented. Great!

Now I, for one, still cannot figure out how US began to be featured in the World Wars, I mean besides the love letter from Queen logic. So clearly I am confused about the news above.

Well my obvious confusion no. 1 is exactly how is it our business? (but I guess obvious is often the most invisible)

Anyways confusion no. 2 is why is it not done within the “sending men for ground attack” budget? Why additional budget?

And lastly isn’t this the exact same strategy that was used in Afghanistan? A few decades later and viola … there was Taliban.

I think the most scientific logic politicians use is: Inky-Pinky-Ponky

 

 

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Money Honey!

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To understand Economy requires a genius that a scientist just doesn’t have.

I think, a shareholder is basically an idiot who makes about 5-10 bucks a year in dividend by investing thousands. I seriously have never received more than that even from those Blue Chip ones who claim to have declared some 500% every year since the last century.

Personally I don’t even know anyone who has made millions through Stock Exchange however all including me invest in it primarily cos some Financial Consultant claims that it is how Warren Buffet did. And then promptly after the sale the guy resigns, joins some other company & then stakes the same claim again.

“There was a time when we could have one look at the Balance Sheet and could know the truth from graft” said one of the elderly uncles who was retiring as Finance Controller of a large PSU, “now, it can mean anything” he added.

There was a time when communication was minimal and data was correct. Also the cycle was simple, promoter came up with a business plan, opened an IPO urging people to look into his plan and invest if they have faith. If a company is registered on stock exchange there were chances that they at least had a business or have serious plans to have one. Now opening an IPO is the business.

Profits are made by raising millions and billions in smaller lots of merely tens & hundreds from each investor in return to shares. “Official loans are expensive and have strict conditions associated wherein IPO is investor’s problem” stated one of the rare breeds  of honest Financial Consultants, “IPO is the cheapest form of raising money. There’s no interest and often not more than a mere fraction actually goes towards actual plan, if there is one that is,” he said.

I understand that future is unpredictable no matter what we are talking about, however past often can be zeroed down to the last of T. For example The Big Bang. I am surprised as to how something as manmade and as new as Sensex cannot be explained with 100% accuracy irrespective of the number of variables. How difficult SP-CP is profit has been made to become?

The figure of global recession was touted as greater than the money ever printed. ?? Exactly how did that figure even come about into being?

 

Priority #1

cordless

Nature is basically an inconvenience which we are hell bent to beat. We want to live comfortably and nature somehow always finds a way to butt in with its rules and things like rain & sunshine. Its not that we want to live totally away from nature, I mean a pot or two in the hall does add to the decore`, besides we can always meet nature over holidays. But everyday is a bit much, isn’t it?

And its not just this planet, lately we have realized that we “might” have another problem – aliens. But unlike nature here we are better prepared. Some wise people are apparently already researching on developing the billion dollar weaponry, just in case. The fact that we don’t exactly know it exists yet, is clearly besides the point. This is apparently an important priority. I have read somewhere that the surest sign that alien exists is that it hasn’t revealed itself, these guys clearly have not.

I mean don’t turn cave man and no I like FB and social networking sites. My problem is with things like low absorb oil and sugar free sweetener. I mean can we not stop making soda cans instead of making jeans out of that?

I may be totally out of line here but seriously who assigns these kinda priorities?

 

 

Holey Union

marital status

If there exists one solution to all problems, it is Marriage. (Period.)

For at least a few years now every discussion I had and every problem that I had shared with my parents has somehow reached this conclusion to an extent that I began to believe that marriage is probably parent’s way of getting rid of children.

You see as much as people aspire and talk highly about having children, it kinda becomes less cute when you have children of your own and thus begin finding more and more acceptable ways to distant self. After years of tending and caring marriage becomes the perfect solution for parents to give away child and finally exercise the benefits of having children without facing any of the wraths. Once a child is married the slate is wiped clean and the scribbles henceforth are blamed on spouses.

There’s no bigger example of mass illusion than marriage. Personally I think marriage is invented to just keep people busy. Since 90% of those producing have IQs lower than 90% of the population, it is important to keep them occupied. Religion I guess just added the fuel to the fire. Marriage and children simply meant increase in the number of followers.

If education was drilled down to the extent that marriage has I’d say marriage would have been rendered useless and there’ll be only 4 people in the world today, all of them gays. Anyways it’s not surprising that people spend more on their marriage than they do in the lifetime of education. And this is true from poorest of the poors to those with golden spoons and shirts.

On a separate note, I can’t understand why people oppose gay marriages? I think the best revenge is to let them. But then I don’t understand why gays wanna get married? I mean haven’t straights already done enough damage?

Marriage is the millionth fix.

Yes / No ….Whatever!

Yes or No is a difficult question to answer for people like us.

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My parents left their home country in search of a miracle land, where I was born.

It is easier to say that “I am from here”, the truth though is far from this. The truth is whether I am from here or there is indeed a debatable topic, even for me. For me it is like choosing between parents.

Say in case a war breaks out between my skin nation and resident nation, I doubt my loyalties would be blind. Chances are that I will take a higher ground, i.e. I support the less evil or I don’t support war types.

It’s not just me, there are millions of us. In times of global economies, multinationals, migration, immigration, 2nd generation ethnic communities and Russell Peters, isn’t it odd to talk about YES or NO.

Exactly when are we planning to start propagating against national borders, or at least leave making the current ones even shorter?

When was the last time a governance, self / imposed / outsourced / democratic or otherwise, ever worked?

Can someone please tell me, exactly what will it solve? What is the point of all this??

 

 

Oxymoron called Human Resource

In the list of corporate goof ups HR guys feature pretty much at the top, just a notch below high salaried CEOs. I mean is it that difficult to understand that people don’t like to work if they are getting paid anyways?

Anyways about HR, I have been working for a decade now and I am still unable to understand ki “karte kya hain ye log?” (meaning what do they do?)

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What do they do?

Call placement firms or go online and shortlist candidates? I mean seriously who is incapable of doing that for themselves? And lets just consider that some people are that incapable, they don’t have time or means like those people who need secretaries, lets just consider HR is delegated that work. Do we really need structured, formal education in the field lasting 2-3 years? Like what are they taught?

101 ways to bullshit!

Lets move on to their other tasks, HR is supposed to be the thread that binds the organization together. All those who were grimacing at the usage of the harsh word bullshit above, I hope are getting the drift now.

“HR is to corporate what interior designing is to art”

If you ask me the glue or thread that binds the organization together it should probably be those little buggers who are actually producing something or those selling it. So basically the Chinese. But I’m sure as always HR will differ.

Humanity is little to do with HR. I think, they think that the term Human in the name of their department is just a coincidence.

Anyways, here’s an experience.

So I received an offer to join an offshore centre. Excited about the prospects I confided in the Head HR, who was doing the salary negotiation with me that I do not know how things are over there and thus am unable to quote an amount. She was an oldish lady and I was closer to her children’s age than I was to hers.

“It is as expensive as say Mumbai” she said.

“Fair enough in that case,” and I settled on a number without rechecking with anyone else. Someone else did warn that the ground realities are different and thus I double checked with the lady again. Here I was talking to a Group Head of HR and she had been there more times than many, and thus I thought she was a better bet to count on. Also it was not that she will get rid of me once I join, on the contrary once I join I probably was nearer, I had thought. Clearly I was young and had 1 foot in Rapunzel’s dream.

Once there I realized that the prices were closer to Shanghai than Mumbai, unless my HR head was looking at a different map.

Anyways, after a few weeks or so of pondering I decided to finally bring this to the HR Head’s notice, “In effect I am now making less than what I was in my own backyard” I cribbed.

“Well” she replied “I suggest you should’ve thought that before joining” she suggested.

I like everyone else has been bitten by HR numerous times but that one truly stung.

Anyways young and full of vengeance I worked there for about a year and can shamelessly admit that achieved nothing. I took it more as a company paid picnic abroad and simply enjoyed. Also I realized that I was not the only one who was getting paid for nothing but there were plenty others including the HR Head herself, obviously.

HR is truly a millionth fix.

Appeal to Organizations: Save your money or at least hire pretty if not pleasing people.

Where are you from?

“Where are you from?” he asked

“What do you mean” I replied a bit baffled “from here!” I added

Illegal immigrants

“No no I mean, where you are originally from?” he insisted. He was probably referring to my brown skin in an otherwise predominantly white nation.

“My parents migrated here, but as far me, I was born here and have known nothing else” I said

“oh okay” he acknowledged simply

Years later I decided to fulfill the promise I had made to my mother. “It is time” I reminded myself and bought the first & of course the cheapest (I am brown after all :P) seat available.

“So where are you from?” he asked. It was more like a collective question that all of them wanted to ask since hello.

They were my fellow travelers in a very long journey in a train. All of them were doing phd or something equally mind boggling.

“What do you mean?” I asked, I had answered this question all my life wondering what it would be like to finally be there where I am apparently from, “clearly I am from here?” I insisted.

“Yeah yeah, I get it” he answered casually “I mean where you are originally from?” He asked probably wondering from my foreign accent.

“My parents migrated from here and after years of missing home, they got back to the country they called home” I said “I, on the other hand, have been looking for one ever since”

Fast Food God

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“To err is human, to forgive is not company policy” I had read somewhere. Workplaces can be crazy confusing, there’s an eternal fight of whether or not to be ethical. For that matter, ethics and company policies are often 2 very different things.

I have been working for a few years, and like many was cowed down by boredom, dissatisfaction and confusions. Meaning of cycle of life and death, god, spirituality kinda stuff haunted me ever since. So after ignoring it for years I finally decided to set out in search of self and god. A la eat, pray, love except there’s no eating, praying & loving remained limited to thy neighbor only.

Another thing, I didn’t have all life, there’s only so long I could devote to the divine quest, I have EMIs. Personally I feel I should be considered a gift of sorts to humanity and should be paid for simply living and breathing but my bankers seem to differ. It takes only so long for bills to pile up and “savings” I’ve begun to understand is a myth. It does not exist.

So I needed to assign a “deadline”.

Now the problem with me and deadline is that whenever faced with one I automatically switch into what I think is medically known as “panic”. There are some people who work better under pressure, I am clearly not some. So basically I needed to devise a Fast Food recipe to divine bliss.

First Step: Informing Mom

In any culture and by any standard, this is not an easy conversation to have. To tell your mom why you want to leave a job that surprisingly pays for what you not do while you are already struggling to find another reason why “this is not the right time” for you to marry.

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“Search and you shall seek” growing up my mother had often imparted this wisdom while I was tearing up the house, looking for TV remote etc.

On top of it, I would like to say I am the types, that believe all that comes out of my mommy, as she obviously is the all pervasive form of god – or at least so I was lead to believe by popular consciousness and a very healthy dose of hindi cinema. After all Maa (mother) was the resting argument over bangla, gaadi and bank balance*.

(*A very popular dialogue from the most successful Hindi Film ever called “Sholay”)

There was just one little problem, my mother did not quite endorse my endeavor and promptly changed her stance to “Why search, IT is everywhere”. Apparently she had made neat little plans about me and I was ruining it for her.

Next Step, Gathering Moral Support: The Big Brother

“How many of those things are you smoking in a day?” asked my brother when I told him about my divine plans. On hindsight I don’t think he took me seriously.

“No no, this has got nothing to do with that. These questions have haunted me ever since. Ever since!” I emphasized

“Hmm. When was ever since?” now my brother is someone I had always counted on for spiritual, religious type dilemmas. He was my first guru and I still consulted him. His opinions mattered.

“If you don’t wanna help, its okay. I don’t expect you to understand.” I barked as I rested my argument unable to hide my genuine disappointment.

“Okay, bol, what are you planning” asked my brother again realizing that this phase may also last a while like the guitar one.

“I don’t know. What do you suggest?” I was open for ideas, god speaks in many ways, I had thought.

“I think god is in life but then if it is truly indestructible then it is in plastic” he smirked “but religion is the obvious place to look.” He added rather seriously.

Hmm Religion! And the journey began – Some truly happened whereas others were planned too extensively to ever happen.

F12

 

Server down

While trying to play a CD, my hand slipped and I accidentally broke one of the keys on my laptop’s keyboard.

“Why don’t you buy a new laptop?” asked one of the friends some days later who saw the laptop with the key missing.

“Which key is it?” I asked. I knew its broken but didn’t really pay much attention as to which one was it.

“Um, seems like F12” replied the friend

“Oh. What does it do?” I asked. Until now I didn’t know F12 existed.

“I don’t know,” replied the friend “I didn’t even know F goes till 12”

Of course I died for a few months to save enough to buy me a new laptop.

Clearly life did not reach the solutions like Liposuction & Diet Soda like that, there’s an F12 involved somewhere.